Cooking With Cruxis
by Yami-chan and Unrealistic
Summary: Or That Cooking Fic with a Lot of Titles. This is a random bout of insanity. Count on seeing Raine's cooking, Cruxis flashbacks, Yuan acting like an idiot, and the so called bonding times of the HEROES of the Kharlan War.


YC: Yes. Another bout of random insanity inspired by a phone conversation with my hikari and the discussion of the fic "Batch of Brownies."

Disclaimer: I do not own ToS, but I DO own all the titles created in this ficcie!

A note: In this one, Lloyd doesn't know Kratty is his daddy. (I made a funny, hee hee.) But for humor purposes, they do know Yuan, Mithos, and Kratos were the heroes of the Kharlan war.

And now I present….

Cooking With Cruxis

Or

That Cooking Fic With A Lot of Titles

--------------

It was the average day at Altessa's house. The rather grumpy dwarf had found his small stone home invaded by the would-be heroes of the world…or worlds if you really know what's going on. As stated before, it was an average day. Thus, it was a boring day for the unusual group.

A redhead hummed merrily as he rooted through a fridge. Zelos let out an 'ah-hah' as he found what he was looking for. Sheena watched with an unconcerned air as the Tethe'alla Chosen arranged random cooking utensils.

"Zelos, what exactly ARE you doing?"

His response was a bright smile. "I have to impress my hunnies, right hunny?"

Sheena shivered in horror and glared. "Don't ever call me that again." Then there was silence, well, except for the group of others in the next room playing some random game that ignited several verbal battles. Bored with trying to figure out what the baka Chosen was doing, she asked again, "What do you plan on making? I can help if you need." It was an offer of kindness, nothing more. Some flash of insight, most likely women's intuition, told the summoner Zelos did NOT belong in a kitchen.

The pink-clad man winked. "Your fav. Fried ice cream."

Sheena, now interested, walked over. "But that's a Mizuhoian dish. How do you know how to make it?"

"Watch and learn, babe."

With that, Zelos scooped a rather large spoonful of vanilla ice cream out of the box…and threw it into a hot frying pan with the exclamation of, "BAM!"

Sheena sweatdropped at the sheer stupidity of the act. Zelos shrugged innocently, not understanding her expression.

"I dunno why I said that. It just kinda came out."

The Mizuho warrior pointed at the now liquefied mess in the pan. "Some great dessert," she remarked dryly.

Zelos scratched his head, thoroughly confused. "I don't get it. Why didn't it work?"

Sheena turned and walked away, shaking her head. "Baka Chosen…"

**Zelos has earned the title of **

'**Inept Chef.'**

**He doesn't belong in a kitchen. He best belongs in front of a mirror.**

----

The group didn't pause from their game as Sheena reentered. "He butchered the food," she complained to Tabatha. The living doll nodded.

"I SHALL RESUME COOKING DUTIES AS NEEDED." She disappeared into the kitchen. Zelos was quite literally thrown into the living room a few seconds later.

"Owie…." he whined. "What's with all the aggressive hunnies lately? They should save that energy for other things."

Raine hit the redhead over the head with a textbook. "Save those lewd comments for somewhere else. Not around the children."

Activity resumed normalcy, after all, this happened as often as expected. Everyone was surprised as the door swung open.

"Yuan!" everyone exclaimed, minus Kratos of course.

"Greetings everyone," Yuan said. (for indeed it was him. Who woulda guessed?)

Kratos glared. "What exactly brings you here, Yuan?" (Hey look! Kratty knows!)

The double agent locked stares with him, not in the least bit concerned. "Nothing of great importance."

"You smelled the cookies, didn't you?"

Yuan smiled and raised his hands in defeat. "Damn these angelic senses. Can't do a thing about it."

"It'll be awhile," said Genis as he moved his game piece to a winning spot, much to Lloyd's disappointment. "Tabatha just started on them."

"I can wait." And he did just that, plopping down on the couch like he owned it. Kratos glared daggers at the intrusion of his private bubble and scooted to the far end.

"By the way Kratos," Yuan started. "Have you told the kid that you're his--" He was cut off with a double dose of the Glare. Yuan, used to it after four thousand or so years, shrugged it off. "Guess not. You'd better hurry. You're not getting any younger, my friend."

"Hurry with what?" questioned Lloyd, stupidly curious with any matter not concerning him.

"Nothing," Kratos growled.

Yuan smiled. "Oh, just that he's your--" He was silenced as Kratos grabbed him in a chokehold, the elf cackling all the while.

Lloyd sweatdropped. "Grown-ups…so weird."

**Yuan has earned the title of**

'**Best Friend.'**

**Always there for his comrades…even when he's not wanted.**

**(How can he earn titles, you ask? Because I want to. ;P)**

"An anomaly has occurred," said Presea in monotone

Altessa emerged from the kitchen. He was dragging a lifeless body of Tabatha behind him. "She broke down again. You all will have to fend for yourselves." The dwarf disappeared into his workshop.

After an odd bout of silence, Raine stood. "I suppose I'll take care of it."

"NO!" came many simultaneous cries. Yuan, clueless, cocked his head in confusion.

Raine glared at the group, hands on her hips. "Quiet or you will all have a twenty page paper on the history of the Church of Martel due tomorrow."

Silence. Even from the adults.

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me." The half-elf went to the kitchen despite everyone's (minus one Renegade leader's) sheer horror.

Genis frowned. "Man, a choice between Raine's cooking and a twenty page paper? I don't know what is worse."

Lloyd followed suit. "Yeah, especially if it's on the Church of Martel."

"Martel…"

Everyone looked at Yuan, who looked at the ceiling and sighed heavily. Kratos cuffed him on the back of the head.

Colette perked up. "You knew Martel, right Yuan?"

Another sad sigh was her answer.

"What was she really like?"

Yuan's face crumpled and he started sobbing. Colette apologized profusely. Sighing at the sheer absurdity, Kratos threw his Cruxis comrade into the kitchen with Raine.

"The sugar will help," he explained.

Regal spoke up next, surprisingly. "So, what was the legendary Martel like? To be made into a holy deity, she must have been an amazing person."

"Well," the seraphim leaned back in his seat, "she was a very kind and gentle person. Martel was very generous and passionate in her beliefs. However, she would never let anyone else into the kitchen."

The entire group face faulted. "What!"

Kratos closed his eyes in remembrance. Lloyd whispered to Genis, "I sense a flashback."

--Flashback--

It was night in the sprawling hills of Symphonia. Yes, Symphonia. This was before Mithos went all loony and screwed everything up and hogged all the Summon Spirits to himself.

Three figures sat around a fire. There were two half-elf males and a human male. The atmosphere was melancholy. They had just lost a comrade. Martel had been announced as the world's guardian goddess. It was an honor never before passed to a half-elf…which makes one wonder.

"Hey," Mithos asked as he poked a stick into a fire. "Why did oneechan become a deity? Why not any of us?"

Kratos shrugged. Yuan cocked his head to the side. "Who knows?"

Mithos looked in the fire, reflecting on his sister's death. Yuan and Kratos looked to one another. It was too much for a mere child….

"If…"

They looked to their new leader. Big, shiny blue eyes glistened back. "If…if I die," sniffed Mithos, clasping his hands at his chest, "will you all worship me?"

It was too cute…too cute to deny.

In unison they responded. "Yes, Lord Yggdrasial."

He smiled, still too cute. "Thanks guys." Yuan and Kratos sweatdropped.

**Yuan and Kratos have earned the title of**

'**Loyal Follower.'**

"**Why are we following a kid?"**

--End flashback--

Zelos blinked. "That had nothing to do with food."

"That was pointless," Sheena murmured.

Kratos coughed into his fist.

Colette clapped her hands in excitement. "So what about Martel? Was she really pretty? What did she cook? She was a mage, right? How can I become more like her?"

The auburn-haired man sighed in frustration.

**Colette has earned the title of**

'**Interrogator.'**

**Just shut her up, already!**

"I'll tell you the story of a day much like today," he started. He looked up to see Yuan poke his blue head in, sensing a story of the good old days.

--Flashback, prt 2!--

It was the time before Martel's demise. The fab four had been holed up in an apartment-like house during their journey. It was small but that lack of space encouraged camaraderie among to group…if you count death threats for the first dibs in the bathroom in the morning.

Being the female, Martel was restricted to cooking duties. However, she was good at her job. Too good. The males grew so obsessive over her food that someone theorized she dumped some illegal substance into it. The green-haired woman had retorted with a curt 'no.'

It was a beautiful summer day and Martel had just finished baking her last batch of double chocolate chip cookies. Kratos and Yuan had gone AWOL (giving her the opportunity to complete her task) and Mithos would soon be home from the shopping she had sent him. It paid to have a little brother. It was like having a little minion.

As if on cue, she heard the door open and close. Mithos walked into the kitchen with two bags of groceries and set them on the table.

"Martel," he whined. "Someone called me a girl again."

"And what did you do about it?"

"Set him on fire."

Martel sighed and rested a hand on her head. This was the challenge that was her brother. She had given up long ago. Mithos just did not solve things with peaceful negotiations. And, she had to admit, he DID kinda look like a little girl. Hell, he was cuter than her at that age!

The young blonde peeked at the cookies and then up at Martel. "Can I please have one, oneechan?"

Martel smiled. "Of course."

Mithos beamed. "Really?

"Really really."

She grabbed a cookie and began to hand it to him

**Martel has earned the title of**

'**Sisterly Love.'**

**Willing to do anything for he little brother…the guiding light in his life.**

**Mithos has earned the title of**

'**Brotherly Love.'**

**Willing to do anything for his oneechan…follows her everywhere.**

Martel then crushed the cookie over his head. "That's what you get for setting people on fire! And you think you can waltz in here and have a snack! No way, mister!"

**Martel Overlimit!**

Mithos ran out of the kitchen in tears, Martel in fast pursuit.

**Martel has earned the title of**

'**Armed and Dangerous.'**

**With a spatula and a woman's fury, beware!**

**Mithos has earned the title of**

'**Traumitized for Life.'**

**Poor poor kid….I spy a future madman.**

Kratos opened the door just as the elven siblings ran out into the town. He quietly closed it behind him and headed to the kitchen. Judging by the speed, amount of yelling, and time of departure, he would have to make dinner. The human calmly entered the kitchen and started on the soup.

--Yuan whined. "How come Martel let you in! Not fair!"

"Because I did what was needed without stealing any of her food."--

**Kratos has earned the title of**

'**Obedient Male.'**

**Who woulda thought?**

--End flashback prt 2!--

"So…" Lloyd began, "we could've defeated Mithos with a cookie…"

Yuan sighed. "Poor kid. We tried to help him along." Silence. Then, the half-elf stood. "I'm off to sample the cookies!"

Everyone sweatdropped as he walked off humming a merry little tune. "He really doesn't know the perils of Raine's cooking," said Genis, shaking his head.

A loud explosion of noise erupted from the kitchen. The so-called heroes flocked to the door.

"I told you to wait! You have to eat dinner first!" yelled Raine. The teacher was restraining Yuan by his cloak and one arm.

"I want sugar…cookies!" he wailed. The pan was just out of reach of his grasping fingers.

"I said no! Not now, you blue-haired freak!"

The group watched in a mixture of amusement and exasperation at the spectacle.

"It must be some half-elf thing," Zelos remarked. Genis glared at him. They both blinked as a dark figure walked past.

"I want--!" Yuan blinked as a melty mass of sugar and dough was shoved in his mouth.

"Happy?" Kratos berated.

The Renegade leader nodded. Then, something odd began to happen.

Lloyd pointed. "He's turning the same color of his hair!"

"Raine! You poisoned him!" screeched Genis as his kinsman fell over.

"A panacea bottle has a .1 rate of success," muttered Presea.

"He'll survive," the violet-clad angel said as he walked out. "Justice has been served. Blame your fate."

---

Yuan DID survive. However he was moaning in agony at the terror that was Raine's cooking. She shut the bedroom door behind her and rejoined the group. "He'll be fine." Everyone sweatdropped.

"I can still hear him from here," Genis complained.

"He'll be fine," reiterated Kratos as he reopen the book he was currently reading.

"That's kinda mean," Colette murmured.

"He's survived worse."

"Like what?"

Sighing (he knew he would never finish the book), Kratos simply started, "There was the episode when Pronyma tried to cook for Mithos…."

Everyone cringed.

**Kratos has earned the title of**

'**Storyteller.'**

**Has the uncanny ability to gather those around for tales of the past…even though he doesn't want to.**

-----

Shopping duty. It didn't matter what generation he was involved in. He was still stuck shopping. Kratos scrutinized the produce booth in the market. _Carrots, potatoes, what else? _He looked down at the list. The one moment of distraction cost him dearly.

The projectile flew straight and true. There was a sickening splat as it exploded on impact. Startled, Kratos stumbled backward. He felt a trickled of liquid down his face. _They got me. They finally got me. I'm sorry Anna. I couldn't protect Lloyd. I…wait, this wretched smell…it couldn't be…_ Kratos's normally placid face contorted in fury as he wiped the pulpy mess out of his hair.

Yuan sprang out of the bushes, tomatoes still in hand. "Now whose face matches his hair, tomato head!"

Kratos's wing itched to be folded out in pursuit. "YUAN!" Grabbing his sword, the seraphim chased his 'comrade' across the busy market, earning stares all the way.

**Yuan has earned the title of**

'**Dead Man Flying.'**

**...Or he will be in a few seconds.**

---end


End file.
